I really thought it would be easier to recover from my own home base. That has not been the case.
Ironically, other than last week, what I thought would be my challenges back home again, barely tempt me.
As I mentioned in an earlier blog, Ayurvedic is a “Body, Mind & Soul” treatment. I thought I handled the “mind stuff” with all the work I did as an “in-patient” at the Ayur Centre (not to mention countless efforts throughout my life); I hoped I was done, but it seems I only opened the floodgates.
I neither liked nor enjoyed what came through.
Much of my time these past 34 days that I’ve been home out-patient treating Osteoarthritis has been surfacing and battling “demons” that haunt me, and a few that haunt my laptop.
l was so totally frustrated that there were days I bordered on depression. I felt as if I have done more work than the average person to heal my soul’s aches and pains; yet, I’m still haunted! Is there no end?
In the past, pre-Ayurvedic treatment, I could go somewhere and do something fun and distracting or drown out sad thoughts while savoring a super sweet chocolaty or fruity comfort food. The past 6 weeks, I could not do either of those and adhere to the treatment plan. What could I do with all this mental and emotional turmoil?
Last week, re-reading Eat, Pray and Love, I decided to write a letter to God along the same lines as Elizabeth Gilbert did. I expressed my frustration and asked for help. No surprise to me, I got an answer. Not what I wanted to hear, but then it wasn’t the first time I did not like an answer – nor, was it the first time I’d been given this answer. I recognized it immediately. Truthfully examining my life as it is, as it might become, I could see where it screamed at me every time I look in the mirror or shout “it’s unfair”, “it shouldn’t be like this” and “I don’t want it to be like this; I want better, different…”!
I humbly accept that it absolutely was and is the “right answer” to heal my soul wounds. I now pray I can somehow integrate acceptance into my being.
Even before my Ayurvedic experience I understood the “mind, body and soul connection”, no argument from me there. I even teach that emotion and disease are messengers that communicate those areas we need to work through for healing. I am living the opportunity to walk my talk – that is, to live what I learned, teach and write.
One of the many things that troubled my undistracted mind is, how many people have the ability to devout three months of their life to proactively treat an illness, disease or life trauma? Most of us live such busy lives that it takes a catastrophic illness, or event, to trigger a reactive response. I guess I should write a letter to God for the answer to that question, but I fear the answer will be, “not many.”
I’ve revisited Dr. Siby for follow-up check-ups and more of the magic potions known as Ayurvedic medicine. The first follow-up, he placed his healing hands on my hip then lower back, then asked, “have you been traveling?” I tried not to answer, but that didn’t work so felt compelled to say “yes, but…” We genuinely tried to keep me reclined and resting. I passed on the opportunities for massages, a kayak tour of the bay and swims in the Andaman Sea – while reclining on a lounge chair, on the beach, sipping… bottled water – only to hear, your healing has been set back 40 – 60%. The second visit he checked my pulse, nail beds and weight – actually asked if I wanted to put on some kg’s – does he know nothing about American women??? I just said “no” – I figure once desserts are reintroduced, weight will recover all by itself but imagined this was too much information for him!
He did not touch my back or hip the second visit, and I did not encourage/remind him to check. Guilty conscience, I’m sure! With a friend visiting from the US, a new friend here from Germany and “adopted kids” that are returning to the Philippines, not to mention life, there were just so many opportunities to go, do and eat that I should have said “no, I have to stay home and do nothing”, which I did say “a lot”, just not every time. And, thank God I did get to get out and do and eat and distract my overactive mind – I think it was a plus rather than a minus. If only my body had agreed with that logic…
I paid for my adventures yesterday with the worst discomfort in 6 weeks; however, this morning I awoke, gratefully feeling better again. I guess a day of rest made a world of difference!
I only have 22 days left, or so I thought. My last visit, Dr. Siby said I will be continuing the magic potions after my 3 months are complete. He also cautioned me that at the rate I’m healing, it could be a year before I see results. A bit discouraging but I still prefer that prognosis and remain a huge fan of Ayurvedic Treatments. Consequently, I’m behaving again – or have returned to following the treatment’s regimen as best I can - all the while praying for a perfect X-ray in December.
Until next time, Namaste.
janet lee
© jan gentleman-ingersoll Eastern Shepherd, Inc. 2010